woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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