im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
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Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
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I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
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