Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
