You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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