I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
