I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Damn victory sex feels great
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
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