Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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