Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
