I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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