I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
