Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Say something about gay babies.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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