Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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