Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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