You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
