She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
