i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
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