My liver just broke up with me...
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
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