There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
