They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
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if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
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I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
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Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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