im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
