hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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