Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize