you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
