My cat gives me a boner
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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