Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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