You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
