Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
