I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
you made out with another girl for some wings
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
