My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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