how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
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Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
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I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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