I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
