Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
third nipple confirmed
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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