o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
