just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
