im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I currently don't understand fingers.
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