OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
