Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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