Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
