i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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