I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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