just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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