Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Acid is not a monday night drug
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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