I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
