Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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