If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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