i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
