I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
