i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
