I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
