Got a toothbrush?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
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apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
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I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...