I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
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Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She's the barista slut.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
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The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.