My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
