My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i think i have two assholes
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.