I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision