my mouth tastes like poor choices
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
