he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
