i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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