Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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