your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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