i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
