Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
