Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
