I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
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