Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
