Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
