non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
