Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
