New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
